Wednesday 29 August 2012

IT WORKED ONCE, SO WHY NOT..?


Constantine was in a bit of trouble. The Roman Empire was getting fat and lazy and very very self-indulgent and the Hun was not only at the gate - he'd applied for the position of Gate Keeper, putting in a very good CV listing all past work; murder, arson, rape (cattle) and plunder (women) and qualifications; murder, arson, rape, kidnapping, accountancy…etc…etc.

Then Constantine was told about this luny little sect, the Christians (his only previous contact was watching wild animals lunch on them). They, he was told, were the only people who got to work on time (Coliseum stoning practice) and kept their word (God's) while pressing nose to grind stone (average two Ohhh levels) - this unspeakably serious, nutty, humour free sect.

But times were bad and the Empire was heading for the Swanee and Constantine needed a populace imbued with similarly aimless and cost free focus and dedication, so sent out a Big Edict (six cylinder supercharged) that EVERYONE in the Empire was now a Christian - since yesterday! and so were to pull themselves together, get off their arses and down the job centre.

And it worked (for a while anyway) but the downside was that everyone was now a Christian with all the cringely smug '...look at me as well as listen' narcissism we all know (and don’t love) so well.

Seven hundred years later, Abdul The First (to the camel) had a bit of an empire in the Near East (Israel, Palestine, Jordan, Syria, round the Dead Sea) that was going the same way; no one got up until daybreak, bingeing (tea) all day and always late for the camel auction (you don't want an ugly one!).

So Abdul, casting around (stones) for a solution, got a Greek in to read some history to him - and here Constantine seemed to be The Man. But Abdul needed a new burning cause to inspire his citizens, the baking Bedouin as he’s didn’t want to go down the Christian road again and the Jews - well they were just too much, always wailing about something or other…

So when he heard of this guy Mohammed, local wheeler dealer who'd come up with the ultimate sales pitch; “There’s only One God and I've got his Franchise.” Abdul thought about it for a nanosecond, 'Well it worked for old Conny and the Womans..!' (he'd a bit of a lisp) and so declared that everyone within his remit was now a Moslem (Yes, since yesterday!) and to make the point, knocked out a load of coins in Mohammed's name (its first ever recorded mention) and the good thing was that he didn't have to pay him any royalties or even split a pitch because Mohammed was safely dead these fifty years.

But then it didn't go too well for Abdul the First and he was replaced by Not Abdul the First who, looking around in much the same way after the smoke cleared (he lived above a herring factory) thought, “Well I didn't think much of Abdul the First, but his CC (crowd control methods, Religion) certainly seemed to work” and so went straight to it and had more coins minted, again featuring Mohammed...!

So there you have it; both Christianity and Mohammedism came about for the same reasons, two pagan fuhrers needing a quick social fix – a bit of crowd control, so opted for the nearest crowd pleaser... all they cared about was, 'did it work..?'

And the laugh was that Mohammed hadn’t even heard of Mecca, let alone ever having been there..! He was a good old Dead Sea boy through and through.

You read it here first..!


 

No comments:

Post a Comment